I am resplendently Autistic.

Trigger warning for talk about self-hate and feeling suicidal.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about identity in terms of who I am and how my diagnosis changed me internally. How it changed how I viewed myself. Being autistic is an identity to me. It explains so much about me. I cannot be separated from 'my autism'. Autism colours every single experience I have. It did before I was diagnosed. I just did not know about it or understand why I felt, acted and thought so differently to most of other people I met and interacted with. I felt like an alien from age 6. My diagnosis changed and saved my life. I do not suffer from autism either. I live it. It's my life. I'm tired of hearing people who say it has to be person first language. That it must be person with autism. I'm not with autism. It pervades my being. I am Autistic. Autism is not a separate part of me that I carry around and put on when I feel like it. Autism is not something I wear or choose to put on. It's always there colouring my world, thoughts and feelings. I actually really like being Autistic, most of the time.

I find it very threatening when people try to tell me to be more normal or tell me to fix myself or that autism can be cured. I have spent years hating myself for not being normal enough. Hating myself for not being able to fix myself. For trying and constantly failing to fix myself so I feel less, cry less, connect more, understand socially, talk less, talk more, to care less, to not be so anxious, to go with the flow. Every single time I tried to do those things I could maintain it for a short time but then it would exhaust me. I would perseverate over and over trying to figure out why I could not be like that all the time. I wanted to be that funny, social person, have-it-altogether person. I couldn't maintain being that way. I didn't know who I was a lot of the time. I would try out different persona's, put them on like masks, mimicking others, hoping one would fit, hoping one would be the 'real me'. People talked about finding themselves, how great that was, how happy they were now that they had found who they really were. I unfortunately kept losing myself or thinking I did.

I find it very triggering and upsetting when others tell me to be more normal, to fix myself or that there is a cure for Autism. I have spent so many years trying to be more normal, to fix myself and failing incredibly that I find it painful and upsetting when others around me have this attitude that I can just fix being Autistic. I cannot, I have tried and failed over and over. In fact trying to be more normal became an obsession for me, a very unhealthy obsession. Thankfully my new understanding of myself stopped my obsession.
I have decided I do not need that attitude in my life, so I am selective about who I interact with. This is a healthy boundary for me. I am too fragile and vulnerable right now to cope with others trying to project that onto me.

It was not until I started learning about ASC, females and how it tends to present differently (Aspergirls by Rudy Simone) that I began the turbulent journey of self-discovery, acceptance and who I really was. I believe the new knowledge about being Autistic saved my life as I was suicidal and hated my life. I did not know how to keep living the way I was. I felt so fractured after becoming a Mother. I could not maintain the other selves. I felt so lost, alone and broken. Reading Aspergirls was like the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel. I finally had answers and a small beacon of hope. That hope began to grow and grow. I finally had hope for a better life and a way of living that suited me.

It's been very turbulent since my diagnosis. I was already very overwhelmed and was trying to do too much. My diagnosis was just one more huge overwhelming thing added to a big pile of things that were already too much. I fell apart. I regressed. I cocooned myself away from the world. I hid from the world. The world had suddenly become too bright, noisy and overwhelming for me. It was too hard for me to try to stay connected with people in person. I discovered the joy of online socialising. I discovered AS women’s groups. I interacted with so many women who were similar to me. It was amazing! I have learnt and am still learning so much from these amazing women, many of who are still my friends today. We have never met but we connect and share so many similarities. I read obsessively about autism and blogs by autistic bloggers. I processed. I accepted parts of myself I had tried to keep hidden as I thought that made me evil and bad (thanks to religion). I went through numerous overwhelming emotions. I grieved for the little misunderstood girl and teenager who did not get the support she needed. I felt joy, relief, sadness, and anger many, many times about so many different memories from my past. I felt those same emotions in terms of my future and who I really was. It really was very turbulent and difficult for me. I began take off layers and layers of personas and walls of protection I had put around myself, strip them away to examine my true self. I found this very healing. I am still doing this process of examining myself but it has settled down.

Things have settled down for me internally. I don’t feel the raging storm of emotions, memories. The intense need to know every single tiny thing about Autism and what being Autistic means to other Autistic people. I still find it fascinating and am obsessed but I don’t feel this intense need to know it all in order to understand how I work. I finally know myself and how I work. I am kinder to myself, I don’t hate myself and I don’t feel suicidal. I have suicidal thoughts occasionally but I let them pass through my mind like a train on a journey. I don’t need to accept or acknowledge them.

When I say I am Autistic, please don’t correct me. I finally have an identity which explains an incredible amount about me, who I am and how I work. I like who who I am, finally. I like how I do things, how I see the world, how I communicate and interact with others. Understanding myself has given me the power to work with myself rather than against. This is indeed a powerful thing for me. 

I am resplendently Autistic.
I wrote a poem last year titled 'I am Resplendent.'

[Image is of me (Kezza) on a swing (one of my favourite calming activities to do - a stim), wearing a gray tshirt with a butterfly on it. I am swinging in middair and smiling].