Scripting and parenting

I'm incredibly grateful for these books as they help me script and figure out how to cope with different parenting situations. They are simple, short and easy to read. They help me to find the words to say and how to support my son. They help my son understand what to do and how to behave. I want to collect the sets. They are very helpful for my son and I.

My son and I have had many beautiful, calming moments rocking on the rocking chair reading 'Calm-down time.' I have found it incredibly helpful to have this short, simple book handy for when neither of us are coping very well. We take a quiet moment to read this book and afterwards we are both so much calmer and happier. 

My son has trouble with regulating his little body. He gets excited, angry or sad. He feels it so intensely. He feels the need to bite us when he is emotionally overloaded. I relate to his intense emotions as I struggle with the same intense feelings of needing to bite, lash out or yell/scream when emotionally overloaded. This book we have found really helpful in helping Possum re-direct his need to bite. I am trying other things also.

I would really like to get the 'When I'm feeling...' box-set. It would be a fantastic parenting tool. It would help me to learn more about emotional regulation and apply it to myself. I will be saving up for it as it is expensive. 

If he was my child

If He Was My Child

He'd behave if he was my child

I'd teach him right from wrong

I'd put him on the naughty step

Until his naughty streak has gone

But he isn't your child

He's mine and I know what's best

My son isn't being naughty

He's just different to the rest

If he was my child

He'd do as he was told

I wouldn't accept bad behaviour

Or him acting bold

But he isn't your child

And I know him better than you

Autism makes him different

But unique and special too

If he lived in my house

He'd live by my rules

He wouldn't take us for a ride

And he wouldn't take us for fools

But he isn't your child

And I'm so glad that he's not

You couldn't handle what I do

You'd be out of there like a shot

He is my special child

And he was sent to me

Because I deserve him

And can treat him specially

By Donna Woods

From here.

Reading this poem has been bittersweet for me because it reminds me of my own traumatic childhood. I wish Autism was understood when I was a child as my dad tried to do all of those things to me but of course it just made me stronger. He didn't succeed in disciplining the Autism out of me. 

Don't blame my parents

Don't Blame My Parents

Don't blame my parents

For the way I am

I was born with Autism

And doing the best I can

Don't put them down

When they're doing their best

I was born with Autism

And I'm different from the rest

Don't point and stare

If I act different in the street

They have enough to deal with

And have my needs to meet

Don't laugh at their expense

If they're finding it hard to cope

Listen to their worries

And please give them hope

Don't say that you could manage

If you were wearing their shoes

It's easy to make judgement

When you've got a path to choose

Don't judge my parents

Walk in their shoes for a day

Maybe you wouldn't be so willing

To have so much to say

By Donna Woods

From here.

I read this poem today. It was shared in one of the many Autism groups I am in. I love how eloquently Donna writes.

Meltdowns or Tantrums? My approach to parenting

This image came up on my newsfeed on Facebook profile. I shared it on my profile and it elicited interesting discussion from a few people. The discussion has inspired a blog post. So here goes.

I believe children often have tantrums as a result of not feeling heard, listened to or respected. It's not about getting their way, so to speak. A child needs their parents to be the bigger, stronger, wiser and kinder person and step in to help their child with their big emotions. I know, I was a child once and I remember how vulnerable I felt. The reason I had meltdowns or tantrums was because I hardly ever felt listened to or respected by my parents, my Father in particular. I needed someone to step in and help me understand what my emotions were and how to deal with them. It was not about me getting my way. It was about me needing my parents to be bigger (be the adult), stronger, wiser and kind which often they weren't. They sought to discipline me to get be to stop the loud attention drawing (more so because they themselves were uncomfortable) behaviour by band-aid punishment,e.g. punitive. It did nothing to help me learn about emotion management, discussion, mutual respect and compromising. I learnt that my feelings didn't matter, that it was more important that the adults have peace and quiet. So I turned it all inwards to self-harm to cope with my intense feelings so they wouldn't come out at inappropriate times.

I do not want to raise my son how I was raised.

When my son has a tantrum or meltdown. I am there for him. I talk quietly to him. I don't try to shut him up. Yes, he has a tantrum because he wants something. Does he get it? No. I still put up boundaries but in a kind, empathetic and caring way. I show him that I am with him, that I care about his big emotions, that it is ok for him to feel them and express them. I am trying to figure out ways to teach him emotion management in healthy ways because I was never taught. I'm still learning how to manage my emotions myself. I try to show him love unconditionally no matter what he expresses or feels.

I think when a child is having a tantrum they desperately need empathy and love. They do not need harsh punitive treatment. This does not mean give them what they want. Boundaries can still be set but in a kind, caring, child friendly way.

I am not a perfect parent. I do not do this all the time but I sure try to. Because dammit I am NOT going to repeat the same abuse that was put onto me as a helpless, vulnerable child.

Meltdowns are different to tantrums definitely. However, I believe both need kind and caring support by the parent. I find that very difficult to do at times, in particular when I am low on spoons or already sensory overloaded by my son's crying/whinging. I have to manage my own triggers for various things (sensory, emotional, physical, etc). It is a real challenge for me to do those things as an Autistic parent and parent my son with what he needs. I am learning, changing, growing, gradually.

Some helpful links:

Anatomy of a meltdown

Meltdown versus tantrum - what's the difference?

Managing toddler's tantrums

Aggressive tantrums

Help for Mothers

Dr Laura Markham from Aha Parenting has some fantastic empathetic parenting articles and a free newsletter which I find very helpful. Albeit, somewhat overwhelming at times. I absorb what I can and apply the knowledge where I can. In time I will change how I parent and connect better with my son. That is my goal. To break the cycle of abuse and parent in a connected way.

A lot of parenting is owning our own trauma, and emotional reactions to our child and not projecting it onto them. This is my biggest struggle. To stop projecting my own emotional reaction onto my son. Dr Laura Markham says in one of her newsletters that our number one parenting responsibility is managing my own emotions. A challenge for us all.

Disciplining Autism

All my life I have been labelled as the 'naughty' or 'rebellious' child by my parents, in particular my Father and those in my extended family. This was severely detrimental to my mental health. I grew up thinking I was a naughty, bad person who was out to cause everyone trouble by my out of control behaviour. As I grew older and understood myself better, I tried so hard to 'behave' and not be so out of control but I often failed miserably. Since realising I am Autistic, I understand that it is not about my being rebellious or out of control. It is very different. It is about sensory issues, emotional overload, delayed processing, being low on spoons or tokens, social situations, having a social hangover, unpredictable situations, etc. I now have far more self-awareness and am able to work with myself rather than against. This is greatly helping me to improve and heal from my traumatic past.

I urge parents of autistic children, please do not ever try to discipline the Autism out of your child. Work with your child, listen to your child, learn their language, try to understand them and be their Advocate. Please do not try to make them fit into the NT world. Make their (and yours) world Autism friendly.

Some helpful places to start:

• Mama Be Good
• Karla's ASD Page
• ThAutcast
• Peaceful Parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum
• Seek out Adults on the spectrum to be a Mentor to your Autistic child. We are around.