Musings on friendship

A week ago a friend of mine sent me the following list as a list of guidelines that she thought would be helpful for NTs to understand about having a friendship with a neurodiverse person (ND). My initial response was this: 'It's great. I wish more people were this understanding and respectful of different people.'

I believe it was inspired by this fantastic blog post by AutisticChick. Highly recommend reading it. It is an articulate and expressive account of what autistic people encounter fairly often. I think boundaries in friendships and relationships are so important. 

The following was written by the same friend who sent me this message.

Musings on Friendship (from NT perspective)

It has occurred to me that there is too much pressure in friendships all the way around. But especially so in the NT-ND friendship.

I believe that the NT should take the lion’s share of the social responsibility in terms of removing pressure and encouraging openness and honest acceptance.

I believe there should be guidelines within friendships:

1. Accept that each person is individual and unique and that your friend is probably completely unique.

2. Accept an answer of “no” the first time and don’t keep pushing. I liken this to social rape. Harsh? Yes. But what else do you call it when a person says “no” and the answer is not accepted. But...

· I know s/he really wanted it

· S/he just needed a little encouragement

· S/he needs to loosen up and have some fun

Can you see what I am driving at? A person, whether NT or ND can speak for themselves and their needs (as they see them) are valid even if you do not agree with them

3. As the NT person in the relationship, try to be considerate and give ample warning of any visits or planned/proposed outings, try not to put the ND person on the spot wherever this can be avoided.

4. As the ND person, please say no if that is what you mean/want to say. Within a true friendship this should be accepted without upset, irritation or another emotional penalty (see point 2. Above) and certainly no emotional blackmail!

5. Please do not try to “fix” your friend they are not broken nor is there anything wrong with them, they simply see life from a different perspective to you.

6. If an outing or visit is planned, please set a guideline on anticipated time and activities (e.g. I would like to go shopping with you for two hours on Monday or I would love to come over and see your new puppy, I only plan to stay for half an hour, etc)

7. If you have an outing with a specific goal, as the NT in the relationship, please leave time available in case it does not work out so that you can complete the goal another time (e.g. you need to buy a dress for a party coming up and something happens causing the ND in the relationship to need solitude – obviously not going to work being out in a crowded mall with parking time limits etc – plan that you may need to do another trip at another time alone) and do not make the ND feel as though they “owe” you anything as they do not and this will cause strain to the relationship through adding pressure and expectation.

8. Please foster a relationship with your ND friend where they will feel completely comfortable sharing their space with you without having to do anything other than... well share the space. So let them go about their day and just “be”.

Flapping happy!

At lunch today.

I started flapping because I was happy. Atrus had just put a big piece of chicken breast on my plate. I flapped my hands in excitement. It was a very yummy looking piece. I glanced at Atrus whilst flapping. He looked at me and laughed.
'I love that you do that because it means that you are happy.' He said.

'I do it because I'm so excited that I cannot contain myself. I'm too excited to express myself verbally.' I replied.

I love Atrus. He is awesome. Neurodiverse awesome!

Later that day...

I read Atrus the above draft blog post.
I flapped my hands in excitement again. Atrus giggled and then said, 'You look like a butterfly.'
I burst out laughing with happiness.

Autism Social Stigmas

What is a Social Stigma?

stig·ma

/ˈstigmə/

A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person: "the stigma of mental disorder".

There is a definite social stigma about Autism. Which is unfortunate as it is very hurtful to people on the Autism Spectrum. We are people. We have feelings. We deserve respect and to be understood. We are all different, even though we identify as being on the Spectrum. It does not mean we are all the same. We are diverse within the Spectrum. We are often misunderstood, feared, hated, bullied, and even killed because we are different and those that have the advantage cannot or will not use their empathy to understand us. They want us to fit into their world and live their way. Thankfully this is very, very slowly changing, through various Autistic adult Advocates, through blogging, through Facebook groups and pages, but it is not enough. The social stigma of Autism is rampant throughout society and the media. Each time another Autistic adult is told to fit in or is misdiagnosed this attitude is encouraged and grows. Each time an Autistic child is killed (sometimes at the hands of their parents), this attitude is encouraged, grows and spreads. You get the idea. For every bit of work the ASD Advocates, bloggers, and Facebook pages do, the media and people ignorant about ASD will often counteract it with their views. Social media has become a fantastic platform for Autistic Adults to tell their stories, to try to get their voices heard over the roaring din of the Neurotypical world. Hopefully in time our voices will get louder and louder.

We need to work together to create a Neurodiverse world. A world which allows Autistics to focus on their strengths and live in a way which suits them. The world is unfortunately not suited for Autistic people. This can lead to numerous things, depression, anxiety, stress, Autistic burnout, self-harm, self-hate, suicide which is because we are feared, misunderstood and feel we are broken/defective. It is a vicious cycle, that is not easily broken. I do not have the answers. I can only share my story, my thoughts on the subject and raise awareness by being a self-Advocate. I hope in time we can say the world is finally Autism friendly and we can live in peace without fear of being bullied, feared, misunderstood or killed.

Another point which I think is incredibly important is the lack of opportunity and support for Adults on the Spectrum. We are rendered invisible because the media focuses so much on the tragedy of Autism, which feeds parents' fears about having an Autistic child. Autistic Adults are left entirely out of having a say in the media. Which is unfair and not reality. We are not invisible, we are here to stay and we have a voice.

Overall this is about Ableism, how subtle it is in our society and how it affects disabled people.

Further reading:

Neurodiversity Rewires Conventional Thinking About Brains

Neurodiversity

Walking the language highway