My Spectacular Breakdown: Action plan

Other things I am doing to help myself: making a big visual schedule with tasks broken down into doable easy to remember steps, an emotion meter, a spoon meter, a washing roster on it with wash cycles on it, a flexible weekday plan/schedule, a crisis/emergency day plan, a job list of jobs broken down into small doable tasks. I will have a BIG warning on it saying that I only need to do what I can manage and to not get overwhelmed.

I am also hoping to buy the CAT kit by Tony Attwood as I believe it will really help me with my stress, anxiety, emotions and other things.

I am going to make up different scenario social stories to help me cope with the unpredictable from pixton.com.

I am in the process of trying to set up an emergency activity box for Possum on days where I am not coping and he's home. Ideally I would like to have a number of activities set up and ready to go.

I have just bought myself a small week to a page end of financial year diary (July 2013-June 2014) which will help me not to overload myself with appointments which happened this past week. I rely on my phone for appointments and set reminders for the, because I can't see the week laid out in a visual calander I have tend to book too many things for one week and then spend the following week in recovry mode. The week to a page diary will certainly help me achieve this. The Early Intervention Specialist told me to schedule in 'nothing days' where I just do nothing but self-care and whatever I feel up to doing.

All of the above things I need to do requires a lot of energy and money which I don't have enough of. I desperately need extra support and money to be able to do these things which is why I am hoping my disability appeal will be accepted.

With the visual schedule I don't even know how to break it down into smaller doable tasks. It feels rather overwhelming. Yet I desperately need it. It is the same for the other things I am trying to do. It is overwhelming and challenging. I am going to take it verly slowly and ask for help.

My executive function is low. I find it difficult to do basic things like cooking, cleaning, organising and relationships. I use most of my spoons trying to manage my life as it currently is with the responsibilities I have. Anything extra and unpredictable wears me out hugely. I don't have the energy to cope with anything extra. I am using my spoons to cope with what I need to do to cope better. It really is 1 step forward and 3 steps backward so I feel I am barely getting anywhere, that I am stuck in a vicious cycle.

This is not something I can just snap out of suddenly and I will be ok. There is no quick fix to this situation. I know what I need to do but it will take time to heal and improve.

I have this desperate need to write. I need to write it all out of my head, to help me process everything, to help me understand myself better. Writing is a necessity for me right now. I write in utter desperation to get it all out of my head, to finally understand myself. I will stay stuck if I do not write. I feel called to Advocate for myself and others on the Spectrum. I have finally found my calling.

I am at peace with where I am at right now.

Summarised version here.

Autism Social Stigmas

What is a Social Stigma?

stig·ma

/ˈstigmə/

A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person: "the stigma of mental disorder".

There is a definite social stigma about Autism. Which is unfortunate as it is very hurtful to people on the Autism Spectrum. We are people. We have feelings. We deserve respect and to be understood. We are all different, even though we identify as being on the Spectrum. It does not mean we are all the same. We are diverse within the Spectrum. We are often misunderstood, feared, hated, bullied, and even killed because we are different and those that have the advantage cannot or will not use their empathy to understand us. They want us to fit into their world and live their way. Thankfully this is very, very slowly changing, through various Autistic adult Advocates, through blogging, through Facebook groups and pages, but it is not enough. The social stigma of Autism is rampant throughout society and the media. Each time another Autistic adult is told to fit in or is misdiagnosed this attitude is encouraged and grows. Each time an Autistic child is killed (sometimes at the hands of their parents), this attitude is encouraged, grows and spreads. You get the idea. For every bit of work the ASD Advocates, bloggers, and Facebook pages do, the media and people ignorant about ASD will often counteract it with their views. Social media has become a fantastic platform for Autistic Adults to tell their stories, to try to get their voices heard over the roaring din of the Neurotypical world. Hopefully in time our voices will get louder and louder.

We need to work together to create a Neurodiverse world. A world which allows Autistics to focus on their strengths and live in a way which suits them. The world is unfortunately not suited for Autistic people. This can lead to numerous things, depression, anxiety, stress, Autistic burnout, self-harm, self-hate, suicide which is because we are feared, misunderstood and feel we are broken/defective. It is a vicious cycle, that is not easily broken. I do not have the answers. I can only share my story, my thoughts on the subject and raise awareness by being a self-Advocate. I hope in time we can say the world is finally Autism friendly and we can live in peace without fear of being bullied, feared, misunderstood or killed.

Another point which I think is incredibly important is the lack of opportunity and support for Adults on the Spectrum. We are rendered invisible because the media focuses so much on the tragedy of Autism, which feeds parents' fears about having an Autistic child. Autistic Adults are left entirely out of having a say in the media. Which is unfair and not reality. We are not invisible, we are here to stay and we have a voice.

Overall this is about Ableism, how subtle it is in our society and how it affects disabled people.

Further reading:

Neurodiversity Rewires Conventional Thinking About Brains

Neurodiversity

Walking the language highway

So...you think you might be Autistic?

I have had a few people come to me privately since I received my diagnosis and came 'out' about being Autistic on my Facebook profile. I am always happy to help my friends and others who come to me in need to help them understand themselves better. We are all on a journey and need to help each other where and when we can. Regardless of the label that is associated with who we are. I think it is incredibly helpful to understand oneself, accept oneself, have self-awareness and work with oneself. That is the way to grow and be happy.

If I can help others understand themselves better and accept themselves then I am doing what I am meant to do and what needs doing. This is my path, I can see the way clearer now than I ever have before. So if any of my readers are thinking they might be Autistic I would like to direct you to this fantastic blog series on Adult diagnosis. I am sure it will help you in your journey of understanding yourself better. That is what is all about really, understanding yourself and hopefully accepting yourself. Forget the label and the ridiculous stigma attached to it.

Welcome

I have decided to start a blog about being a differently-abled (disabled) Mother, yes I am disabled in a sense. I intensely dislike that word. I prefer to think of myself as neurodiverse. About a year ago I read Rudy Simone's book 'Aspergirls'. I suddenly realised that I in fact, had spent my whole life pretending to be something I wasn't. I had been trying so hard to fit in, appear normal and be normal when I never would be. I didn't realise that this is how I am meant to be. My brain works differently. For the most part it has been a huge relief for me to finally realise that I no longer have to try and be normal. I have given myself permission to embrace who I am. However this has brought about a rather spectacular breakdown/burnout to happen for myself. I no longer know who I am in a sense. I feel lost. I feel I need time to process all this BIG stuff going on in my head. It is hard to do this now that I am a Mother. My son needs me. My husband needs me. I need to get myself into a better place and work all these things out in my head so I can move forward to becoming the person I am meant to be.

I feel like I am going through a life crisis, everything I have known and thought about myself is different now and I do not see myself as the same person in some ways. I always held myself back when I was younger (early 20s) because I always felt others saw me as 'too' anything so I held myself back and now it feels like all the 'too' wants to come out and I just want to fully be myself. I don't mean I want to stay in the place I am in. I mean there are things about myself that I tried so hard to change to appear more normal that it has taken it's toll on me. The absolute relief I felt when I realised I had Aspergers was nothing I have ever felt before. Then I realised I had been hiding myself for so long and that I wasn't being true to myself. So many BIG things going on in my head, it is exhausting!

I am currently in a really bad place stuck in a seemingly never-ending shutdown after shutdown cycle which seriously affects my executive function. I do not know how to get out of it. I am trying but just feel so stuck. I do have some support in place which helps some but my son has been sick which means he can't go to daycare, which means I go into shut down again.

Welcome to my journey as I heal through writing.