Saturday, 1 June 2013

Welcome

I have decided to start a blog about being a differently-abled (disabled) Mother, yes I am disabled in a sense. I intensely dislike that word. I prefer to think of myself as neurodiverse. About a year ago I read Rudy Simone's book 'Aspergirls'. I suddenly realised that I in fact, had spent my whole life pretending to be something I wasn't. I had been trying so hard to fit in, appear normal and be normal when I never would be. I didn't realise that this is how I am meant to be. My brain works differently. For the most part it has been a huge relief for me to finally realise that I no longer have to try and be normal. I have given myself permission to embrace who I am. However this has brought about a rather spectacular breakdown/burnout to happen for myself. I no longer know who I am in a sense. I feel lost. I feel I need time to process all this BIG stuff going on in my head. It is hard to do this now that I am a Mother. My son needs me. My husband needs me. I need to get myself into a better place and work all these things out in my head so I can move forward to becoming the person I am meant to be.

I feel like I am going through a life crisis, everything I have known and thought about myself is different now and I do not see myself as the same person in some ways. I always held myself back when I was younger (early 20s) because I always felt others saw me as 'too' anything so I held myself back and now it feels like all the 'too' wants to come out and I just want to fully be myself. I don't mean I want to stay in the place I am in. I mean there are things about myself that I tried so hard to change to appear more normal that it has taken it's toll on me. The absolute relief I felt when I realised I had Aspergers was nothing I have ever felt before. Then I realised I had been hiding myself for so long and that I wasn't being true to myself. So many BIG things going on in my head, it is exhausting!

I am currently in a really bad place stuck in a seemingly never-ending shutdown after shutdown cycle which seriously affects my executive function. I do not know how to get out of it. I am trying but just feel so stuck. I do have some support in place which helps some but my son has been sick which means he can't go to daycare, which means I go into shut down again.
Welcome to my journey as I heal through writing.
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Location: Queensland, Australia

2 comments:

  1. Leonie Cent3 June 2013 at 04:57

    I love your Blog Kezza ... it's brilliant !! Everything you say feels like an exact explanation of me and my life too - even though we're different people. I had a 'nervous breakdown' too - but now I can see it was actually what is known as 'autistic burnout'. My breakdown happened a long time ago - I suspect it started in my early teens when I crumbled emotionally, due to something stressful that happened in our family. Then the early nineties, and I broke down in a big way, and am still a basket case now. I can really empathise with your experience of being patronised and not taken seriously or acknowledged - people have no idea about how we feel and what we go through - there is no support while we die inside. I hope you keep writing more, Kezza... thanks for understanding

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    Replies
    1. Kezza3 June 2013 at 13:22

      Thank you Leonie! Such kind words. I appreciate them. I am very glad you like my blog. This is why I write. To share my story to help others. I am so glad you relate to my blog and don't feel so alone.

      I am so very sorry to hear of your breakdown. It definitely sounds like Autistic burnout. I think my breakdown started in my teens too but has all come out now. I have had years of too much stress and unrealistic expectations placed on me by others.

      As for your breakdown. I don't think one is ever the same after an autistic burnout as we realise we just cannot maintain the level of energy required to live as others do. The world demands too much of us. We need to create our own world, live in a way that suits us and at a pace that suits us.
      I'll definitely keep writing. It's therapeutic for me and it's helping others, like you. Bonus! :)

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