Self-harm and Autism

There are different forms of self-harm. e.g. biting, hitting oneself, cutting, head banging, eye gouging, face or head slapping, skin picking, scratching or pinching, hair pulling, hand or arm biting, cutting.

I used to be ashamed of the fact that I self-harm. I didn't even know there was a word for it until recently. I didn't understand why I did it. I just knew I had to, to cope.

I self-harm by biting my wrists. I am trying to re-direct it. It comes from my childhood when my Father berated, abused and belittled me. I was never taught how to manage my intense and overwhelming emotions. I was expected to behave at all costs, any further emotional outburst was seen as defiance which resulted in further punishment. So to cope with my intense emotions I turned to biting myself to relieve the emotional pressure so I wouldn't get punished. I wrote a blog post about how my Father tried to discipline the Autism out of me and how incredibly detrimental it has been to my mental health. So I am trying to now re-direct years of using self-harm to manage my emotions into a healthier way.

I have also slapped myself in the face (at times, not often) when I am incredibly frustrated with being misunderstood by someone else, usually my husband. It usually comes from a place of already feeling low self-esteem. We will be arguing and I will just slap myself in frustration, repeatedly, because I do not feel heard. I do not get a release from it, it is more about being misunderstood and not being able to get my words out how I need to, in order to get my point across. So I get physical and self-harm. I now realise that I was heading into shutdown which means I lose my ability to speak. I am now more accepting of this shutdown process so I do not force myself to speak when I cannot. I do not feel a need to slap myself in the face very often because I accept this process. I tell the person I am having disagreement with that I need to take break and talk about it later.

I am in the process of setting up a sensory/emotional regulation kit (I will share mine on my blog once it is set up) which includes a bite/chew necklace. I got mine from Ebay. The link I shared is just one place you can buy such a necklace. If you type into google 'Autism Aspergers chew bite necklace' a whole range of websites and online shops will come up. There is plenty of range. I am considering getting this have just bought this chew toy too. I get so much satisfaction from biting something. It is a release of pressure for me.

Further reading:

Self-injurious - From thAutcast

Autism, pain and self-injury

Fantastic Blog post series about self-harm

Anatomy of a meltdown The writer discusses about self-harm as being part of her meltdown and the release she gets from self-harm.

The high cost of censoring or why stimming is a good thing

Welcome

I have decided to start a blog about being a differently-abled (disabled) Mother, yes I am disabled in a sense. I intensely dislike that word. I prefer to think of myself as neurodiverse. About a year ago I read Rudy Simone's book 'Aspergirls'. I suddenly realised that I in fact, had spent my whole life pretending to be something I wasn't. I had been trying so hard to fit in, appear normal and be normal when I never would be. I didn't realise that this is how I am meant to be. My brain works differently. For the most part it has been a huge relief for me to finally realise that I no longer have to try and be normal. I have given myself permission to embrace who I am. However this has brought about a rather spectacular breakdown/burnout to happen for myself. I no longer know who I am in a sense. I feel lost. I feel I need time to process all this BIG stuff going on in my head. It is hard to do this now that I am a Mother. My son needs me. My husband needs me. I need to get myself into a better place and work all these things out in my head so I can move forward to becoming the person I am meant to be.

I feel like I am going through a life crisis, everything I have known and thought about myself is different now and I do not see myself as the same person in some ways. I always held myself back when I was younger (early 20s) because I always felt others saw me as 'too' anything so I held myself back and now it feels like all the 'too' wants to come out and I just want to fully be myself. I don't mean I want to stay in the place I am in. I mean there are things about myself that I tried so hard to change to appear more normal that it has taken it's toll on me. The absolute relief I felt when I realised I had Aspergers was nothing I have ever felt before. Then I realised I had been hiding myself for so long and that I wasn't being true to myself. So many BIG things going on in my head, it is exhausting!

I am currently in a really bad place stuck in a seemingly never-ending shutdown after shutdown cycle which seriously affects my executive function. I do not know how to get out of it. I am trying but just feel so stuck. I do have some support in place which helps some but my son has been sick which means he can't go to daycare, which means I go into shut down again.

Welcome to my journey as I heal through writing.